Editor’s Note. Please note that this article was published on the first day of the fourth month of the year. Treat accordingly.
San Mateo California coroner Larry L. Ison ruled on Thursday that Privacy was officially dead. Privacy, which had last been seen in public more than three years ago, had been under almost constant attack for more than 20 years, and finally succumbed to the onslaught.
It was pronounced dead at 3:48 PM (Pacific Standard Time) on April 1, after having been taken off life support.
Google chief Sergey Brin stated that he was a “huge fan” of privacy, and regrets its passing. “We had been monitoring privacy for many years” Brin noted, adding “we watched everything it did. What search terms it used, who its friends were, with whom it interacted.
We found lots of advertisers and promoters interested in following privacy. It was very popular.” Yahoo! CEO Marissa Mayer echoed these comments noting that she enjoyed privacy since she was a little girl. She recalled growing up in a large family, and constantly asking her parents to “just give me some privacy” as she spoke in her closet on a princess phone, sometimes for hours.
Mark Zuckerberg, the head of social networking company “the Facebook” recalled having first been introduced to privacy when he was a freshman at Harvard. “It was very quaint back then. People didn’t even recognize it. I mean, nobody had shared pictures or used facial recognition back then. If privacy walked into a party back then, unless you were actual friends you wouldn’t know it.”
Zuckerberg noted that he never really got along with privacy, but that they maintained an uneasy relationship. “Nobody really wanted it” Zuckerberg noted, “I mean, they SAID they wanted it, but whenever privacy entered the conversation, people would act like it wasn’t even there.”
FTC Chair Edith Ramirez promised a swift and thorough investigation of the death of privacy. “In the past few days, we have been monitoring everything privacy was doing, reading e-mails, tweets, postings, metadata and geolocation. We knew privacy was in trouble, but could not say why.” Ramirez added, “at this point, we are not sure whether privacy died of natural causes, or was killed.”
James Clapper, Director of National Intelligence could not be reached for comment, although fugitive ex contractor Edward Snowden pointed the finger at the DNI in the death.
Generalissimo Francisco Franco could not be reached for comment, as he was reportedly “still dead.”